In today’s edition of “I wish I were kidding” news, the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors has opened a new front in the progressive campaign against The Babylon Bee: fulfilling a satirical headline before it is ever written. In a 4-1 decision, the board on Tuesday declared federal immigration enforcement actions to constitute a local state of emergency “beyond the control of the services, personnel, equipment, and facilities” of the county, which “require[s] the combined forces of other political subdivisions to combat.”

That’s right, in the corner of the country most prone to devastating earthquakes and wildfires, local politicians understand that the real threat to their community comes from their own federal government. Even the title of the ordinance sounds ridiculous: “Proclamation of Local Emergency for Federal Immigration Actions.” Perhaps next year they’ll institute a naming system for federal activities they deem rise to the intensity of a tropical storm.

The emergency declaration appears to be a melodramatic way for the county to subsidize rent for illegal immigrants, who can apply through an online portal to be launched within the next two months, or even an eviction moratorium at a later date.

Why do illegal immigrants need help paying their rent? According to the proclamation, because “ongoing immigration raids” on worksites frequented by illegal immigrants “have caused residents to be fearful of leaving their homes.” A recent survey showed “a 62% drop in average weekly earnings of immigrants” and “that 71% returned to work because of fear of eviction despite unsafe or unstable conditions.”

(Of course, this left-leaning survey raises questions in its own right. If 71% of immigrants were still working, how did they suffer a 62% drop in weekly earnings? Were those consecutive statistics? It’s also worth noting that the survey made no apparent effort to distinguish between legal immigrants and illegal immigrants, rather like the Gaza Health Ministry never distinguished between combatant and civilian casualties.)

Whatever the merits of this survey, it does form the basis for L.A. County’s emergency declaration. Because Illegal immigrants are too scared of being deported to show up for work, “conditions of disaster and/or of extreme peril to the safety of persons and property exist in the County.” And that means that the county must help the illegal immigrants pay their rent. Could it be any more straightforward?

But in leaping this logical canyon, the all-female Board of Supervisors elides some all-important facts. First, illegal immigrants are so described because they entered (or stayed in) this country illegally, a federal crime which can result in deportation. Second, because illegal immigrants are present in the country illegally, they do not have the necessary work authorization, so it is illegal for them to work in this country, or for anyone to hire them. Federal immigration officers are tasked with enforcing the laws that illegal immigrants have broken, which naturally involves searching for and detaining them.

The nation’s most populous county has become so dysfunctional that, when its elected officials see government employees doing their job, they mistake it for an emergency.

Nor does the definition of “local emergency” provided in the proclamation serve to make the declaration seem any more apt. According to L.A. County, a local emergency is:

“The duly proclaimed existence of conditions of disaster or of extreme peril to the safety of persons and property within the territorial limits of a county … caused by conditions such as air pollution, fire, flood, storm, epidemic, riot, drought, cyberterrorism, sudden and severe energy shortage, deenergization event … plant or animal infestation or disease … or an earthquake, or other conditions …” (all ellipses in the original, except for the final set).

These emergency conditions are almost all natural phenomena, along with some man-made exceptions that threaten public safety or the provision of basic public services, which would require greater law enforcement activity. The presence and activity of law enforcement is not even close to making the list.

Can a dictionary get a restraining order? Because it needs one against this proclamation after all that abuse.

The most sensible explanation for why this proclamation was not laughed out of the county board meeting seems to be that the board members subscribe to the Gavin Newsom School of Politics, in which performance is more important than policy. “I want our residents to know that we are in this crisis with them,” said Supervisor Janice Hahn (D), who cosponsored the proclamation. “And I want us to have every tool at our disposal in this effort. For that reason, I think this emergency proclamation is not just symbolically important as a message to our residents, but critical to our response moving forward.”

The one exception to this observation was the board’s lone “no” vote, Supervisor Kathryn Barger (R). Rather than pick a pointless losing battle over immigration status with her county, Barger chose to argue that “declaring a local emergency is not the right or responsible way to respond” to heightened fear. “Emergency powers exist for crises that pose life and death consequences like wildfires — not as a shortcut for complex policy issues,” she pleaded. “Stretching emergency powers for federal immigration actions undermines their purpose, invites legal challenges, and circumvents the public process.”

Alas, this proclamation is not the nation’s first silly emergency. In May 2023, North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper (D) declared a state of emergency because “legislative Republicans” were considering a school choice bill. The L.A. County proclamation is simply a continuation of this scorched-earth brand of politics.

Nor is it the first silly action Los Angeles has taken with regard to illegal immigrants. In July, L.A. Mayor Karen Bass (D) directed city departments to steer cash payments toward “families impacted by federal immigrant enforcement actions.” Now the county is maneuvering to pay their rent — no wonder foreigners want to come to America, since they can get paid simply to be here!

Meanwhile, L.A.-area landlords are struggling from years of poor local policymaking that seems to view them as expendable. After years of rent moratoriums during COVID, landlords found themselves once again out in the cold after January’s wildfires, when L.A. County declared a local emergency to prevent “price-gouging” (raising rates more than 10%), which has since been extended at least twice. The contemplated immigrant eviction moratorium would once again leave landlords powerless to collect income which they need to maintain the properties. Cities who make landlords the butt of every policy proposal should not wonder when housing becomes unaffordable — creating more problems for renters they are trying to help.

But at least L.A. County has shown it’s willing to fight Trump!