With the rise of smartphones, social media, and remote work, real-life friendships have become harder for everyone. There’ve been numerous studies reporting on the decline in friendships, but is this decline affecting one gender more than another? Open up social media or do a quick news search, and you’ll find many strong opinions on the topic. Some claim that men and women are both equally lonely, and that it’s sexist to focus on just men — or that men are just complaining, and it’s their fault that they are lonely. Others argue the problem doesn’t exist.
Before looking at the data, it’s important to note that men and women both experience friendships differently. Often described as shoulder-to-shoulder or face-to-face, men bond standing or sitting while doing an activity, watching a game, or working on something together. Men are also much more likely to call someone a friend, even if they do not see them or talk with them regularly.
Women, by contrast, tend to sit or stand face to face and talk with their friends (even if they’re doing an activity at the same time). Women are also more likely to share emotional issues with their friends, tell them they love each other, and, in turn, receive emotional support from their friends more than men do. It’s important when looking at the declining rates of friendships for men and women that these differences in the genders are not accidentally used as measuring units. If men are less likely to grab coffee and chat with their guy friends about their lives for an hour or two, that doesn't mean that they’re losing friendships in the same way it might for women.
What is concerning is when men self-report fewer and fewer friendships.
A recent New York Times op-ed by Sam Graham-Felsen detailed one man’s struggles with loneliness. In his article, he wrote about the difficulty in maintaining friendships after marriage and kids. He ended with a story about the joy he felt when he finally hung out with an old friend over dinner and the fear he had felt about reaching out to his friends. This story is not an isolated instance. According to some recent data, it would appear that men are more likely to be lonely and have fewer friends. In 2021, the Survey Center on American Life found that friendship has been declining for both men and women since the 1990s. However, it has decreased much more for men than women.
The study noted that in the 1990s, 55% of men reported having at “least six close friends,” but that in 2021 only 27% of men reported having six or more close friends. Even more concerning, the study found that in 2021, “fifteen percent of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990.” Women’s friendships have declined as well, but not to the severity of men. In 1990, 41% of women said they had six or more close friends, compared to 24% in 2021. Only 10% of women reported having no close friends in 2021, compared to less than 6% in the 1990s.
Though both men and women are struggling with friendship, there are more men who report having fewer friends than women.
In January, a Pew Research Center study found that even when men do have friends, they’re less likely to confide in their friends than women are. The Survey Center on American Life found that young men (defined as men aged 18 to 29) are more likely to rely on their parents for support when they have personal problems than rely on their friends or their romantic partner. Is this because men simply relate differently to their friends than women do? Or has something been lost in male friendships from the past? Is part of the reason for declining friendships the fact that some ideas of what a “masculine” friendship should look like (never talking about real issues or struggles) can lead to shallow friendships that men are less likely to invest in over time?
After all, history is filled with examples of deep platonic friendships between men — from soldiers on the battlefield to the strong love and friendship between David and Jonathan recorded in the Bible. Is there something about modern culture that’s discouraged even the idea of deep friendships between men?
Another sign some point to on male loneliness is that men also commit suicide more than women. Some have linked this tendency to men having fewer friends to support them. After all, men are less likely than women to talk about their feelings in general or ask their friends for help. Studies show that while more women reported feeling suicidal than men or consider suicide more than men, men are more likely to actually go through with suicide than women are. Is this because women receive more support when suicidal? This weaker support system that men have could mean that fewer people observe suicidal signs in men, leading to fewer men getting help.
But it’s important to note that having weaker support systems may not be the only factor in suicide. Emily Rosenblad, a researcher at IHME studying suicide in men and women, noted that men often use more effective ways of committing suicide that are hard to survive. She stated that “men tend to choose more violent and lethal methods of suicide such as guns, while women are more likely to choose less fatal means such as poisoning and overdosing, which have a higher survival rate.”
But some might ask, does having less friends or no friends at all make a difference in one’s quality of life? If men have fewer friendships, does it really matter? In short, yes. Having friends who support you and who you confide in is very important. Friendships are not only a blessing and enjoyment in life, but studies have shown it can even impact our health and wellbeing. The American Psychological Association found that a review of nearly 40 studies show that “adult friendships, especially high-quality ones that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.” On the flip side, having no friends can not only cause loneliness and depression, but it’s also likely to double the risk of premature death from other causes.
Having strong friendships has also been linked to overall health and can even improve brain functions and impact “motivation, reward, identity, and sensory processing.”
Maintaining or creating new friendships is hard work and, as a BBC report noted, “When it comes to making plans or staying in contact with friends, men are socially lazy.” When men are married, they often rely on their wives to make the social plans, which in some ways masks loneliness, but in other ways can discourage men from pursuing real friendships. Instead, they simply fall back to hanging out with their wives’ friends’ husbands. If men are not married or not in an environment where it is easier to make friends (like being in school or on a sports team together), they can struggle to create and maintain friendships.
While men and women may differ on how they express love and support to their friends or what activities they share, everyone needs a friend who supports them. The disturbing rise in friendless men — and, to a lesser extent, women — could be blamed on all the usual suspects: phones, social media, the aftermath of the COVID pandemic, remote work, less value on community — the list goes on and on. While the real reason is most likely a combination, what’s the solution?In short, being friendly and reaching out.
Making plans and inviting people to hang out can be scary (after all, no one likes rejection), and the less practice a person has, the scarier it will get. And, as the BBC noted, men can be naturally more socially lazy, relying on the women in their lives to make their plans.
The recent trend of men having fewer friends should be concerning, even if the exact reason remains unknown. On a cultural scale, the solutions to the issue are complex and difficult, but on an individual scale, they can be quite simple. Work on making friends. Making friends and keeping them does take work, but having strong friendships are worth the investment.
The book of Proverbs alludes to the difficulty of making friends but offers a solution: “A man who has friends must himself be friendly” (18:24). Making and maintaining friendships is hard and complex in the age of social media and shrinking communities, but it’s certainly worth the work for both men and women.
Katelyn Rafferty is a freelance writer.
