We lost our morals because we lost our manners.

When modern day manners became synonymous with etiquette, we lost the heart of the message. What was once prime training ground for morals, manners became nothing more than a set of rules to be followed.  

In their truest form, manners are not an external set of rules to be followed, but an attitude of the heart that is self-giving, not self-serving.

They are a child’s first training in moral reasoning.

They are virtues practiced in everyday life.

It bears repeating (if you’ve read my earlier essays) — the content of a child’s heart determines what a child will think, say, or do. Thus, by helping our children learn to love what is good (manners), we instill the desire to choose what is right (morals).

An Attitude of the Heart

Manners are a matter of head knowledge versus heart knowledge.

Just because a child knows what is right does not mean his heart desires it. A child can learn to say “please,” “thank you,” “yes, ma’am,” and “excuse me” and still be selfish, dishonest, cruel, or manipulative. These are merely polite behaviors if disconnected from the heart.

Parents who commit to teaching manners as an attitude of the heart, however, impact the motivations and intentions a child will carry for life.

A 4-year-old cannot understand a lecture on moral philosophy but he can learn: “I am not the only person who matters.” Look beyond these basic “rules” we teach our children, and consider what happens developmentally in their hearts:

• Do not interrupt. Why? Another person’s words matter.
• You must share. Why? Another person’s needs matter.
• Show gratitude. Why? I am not entitled to what others give me.
• You must apologize. Why? My actions affect others.
• Keep your word. Why? Others should be able to trust me.
• Respect authority. Why? I am not the ruler of my world.
• Wait your turn. Why? My wants do not automatically take precedence over the needs of others.
• Help someone who is struggling. Why? I have a responsibility beyond myself.

Beneath these simple acts lie respect, humility, gratitude, responsibility, self-control, empathy, honesty, and sacrifice. Much deeper than good conduct, these lessons cultivate godly attributes that inspire the habits of our children’s hearts.

Practiced in the little choices of childhood, we shape the attitude to produce the habits that cultivate virtue and influence moral choices.

Manners become the outward expression of an inward disposition to honor others above self. Paul exhorts us in Philippians 2:3-4: Do not act out of selfish pride. In humility, think of others as better than yourself.

Manners train the heart to restrain selfish desires, recognize the dignity and needs of others, and choose what is right and good, even when it requires personal sacrifice.

The Foundation of Morals

Manners practiced in childhood form a moral conscience in adolescence. Manners practiced in adolescence become moral convictions in adulthood.

The progression looks like this:

MANNERS → HEART HABITS → MORAL CONSCIENCE → MORAL CONVICTION

At 5, a child ponders: “Will I grab what I want, or will I let you choose first?”

At 13, the circumstances are different, but the heart questions are remarkably similar: “Will I do what I want, or will I consider how my choice affects someone else?”

That teenager may now be deciding whether to cheat, lie, gossip, bully, betray a friend, succumb to peer pressure, or stand up for someone being mistreated.

The stakes have changed but the Truth remains the same.  

A resolute 14-year-old recently shared a story about two of his buddies who were being less than honest about a situation with a mutual friend. Before I could probe, he stated emphatically, “Hey, I don’t lie. That’s not who I am.”

His statement was not made from fear of punishment, nor from his parents’ beliefs, nor even because of what others might think. His strong conviction came from those learned, practiced habits of the heart that had shaped him. The heart attributes instilled in him as a child informed his moral choices as a teen.

Manners Confront the Self-Serving Heart

Recall our definition of manners: an attitude of the heart that is self-giving, not self-serving. Central to this precept is an others-centered worldview, directly combatting our self-serving nature. Instilling manners is not just pleasant, it is critically important.

If a child is taught to be self-serving, he ponders these questions: What do I want? What makes me happy? What can I get? What do people owe me?

If a child is taught to be self-giving, she ponders these questions: What is right? What can I give? What does this person need? How will my actions affect others?

When children grow up focused on themselves, we should not be surprised when that self-focus leads to entitlement, promiscuity, or disrespect for authority. But when a child is taught to restrain themselves for the good of others, this is the formation of the heart for righteousness’ sake. As Scripture teaches in Luke 6:45,The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Manners teach a child, “I am not the center of the world. God is above me, others are beside me, and I have responsibilities toward both.” This is the opposite of self-centeredness and the beginning of others-centeredness.

Ultimately, manners are moral truths practiced in the ordinary moments of life. Through seemingly small acts, children develop habits of the heart that reflect a biblical worldview and set them on a path to virtuous living.