Biden Searches for ‘Secret Republican Operative’ Who Forced Him to Start the Culture Wars (Parody)

President Joe Biden has launched an administration-wide investigation to identify the undercover Republican operative he believes burrowed into his inner circle and forced him to begin the very “culture wars” he now condemns the GOP for resisting.

Returning earlier than expected from an extended vacation in Delaware on Monday morning, Biden stumbled into a Cabinet meeting, where he voiced his consternation that many of the hot-button issues his administration blamed on the GOP actually originated with the Democratic Party and its current incumbent president.

“I just gave a speech beating up Republicans for fighting these culture war-type issues,” Biden told his top-level appointees. “I did a little research this weekend. Well, guess what, Jack? They started with my policies!”

Biden and his surrogates have spent weeks castigating Republican congressional leaders and presidential candidates for raising concerns over social issues and supposedly tying them to unrelated federal programs. For instance, Biden lashed out at Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.) for halting the practice of approving high-ranking military promotions as a group, rather than individually.

“It turns out he did that, because someone in my administration decided we would begin paying for abortion-related travel for women in the military. We set up the whole thing!” said an apparently surprised Biden. “That came down in a memo you wrote last October,” said Biden, pointing at a flummoxed Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. “Now, what I want to know is: Since Democrats don’t do culture wars, who advised you to write it?”

“How did Tuberville plant one of his people into our administration?!” Biden fumed at the secretaries, according to an eyewitness.

“Turns out, that’s not the only one,” Biden continued. Republicans have expressed skepticism about funding a global initiative set up by President George W. Bush to fight AIDS — the President’s Emergency Plan For AIDS Relief (PEPFAR) — due to Biden’s removal of pro-life and pro-family protections. “One of our people told The Washington Post, ‘We are not injecting abortion into PEPFAR in any way, shape, or form or seeking to make changes in law related to abortion.’ Well, that’s malarkey!” Biden exploded. 

Biden rescinded a Trump-era policy shielding U.S. taxpayers from funding foreign organizations that perform or advocate for abortion. “I know, I know: PEPFAR ‘doesn’t directly fund abortion,’ and we didn’t actually change the PEPFAR law itself,” he continued. “But our money frees these groups up to use the rest of their money on abortion.”

“Believe me, I know how multiple revenue streams work,” the president said.

Biden highlighted a federal grant to a South African group called the Anova Health Institute, which used PEPFAR funding to promote abortion. “Republicans also hold up PEPFAR funding, because they say we’ll use this to promote transgenderism. Well, waddaya know, folks? Last September, this administration released a document called ‘Reimagining PEPFAR’s Strategic Direction,’ that promises to use PEPFAR money to promote ‘equity’ for the ‘LGBTQI+’ cause.”

“So, not only did we do it, we documented it,” he groused. “We did it — and we put it right there in writing for them! I know we briefed all of you about how not to create a paper trail, so this makes me think Chip Roy, or the Freedom Caucus, or that Marjorie Taylor Greensleaves planted somebody here — and I want him out!”

Biden delineated several brewing controversies, including Republican efforts to limit which government buildings fly the Pride flag. “Wanna guess who started flying that flag in the first place?” asked Biden. He also confronted Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, who claimed Republican congressmen launched a culture war by stripping out funding from a Transportation/HUD bill that went to LGBTQ activist centers, such as the William Way Center in Philadelphia. “The highway literally collapsed right in the same town, and you’re out building rainbow centers. Why’d you do that, Pete?” Biden asked Secretary of State Antony Blinken. Blinken (who also answers to “Beto”) motioned to an empty chair usually occupied by Buttigieg, who is “taking some personal time.”

“That’s three times the Republicans maneuvered us into firing the first shot in the culture wars. This shouldn’t happen at all, but every time I turn around, like that song says, ‘Oops, I did it again!’” said Biden, who proceeded to hum the song through the duration of the meeting.

After outlining the problem, President Biden offered his own leads for Cabinet secretaries to identify the culprit. He ordered the questioning begin with whoever told Attorney General Merrick Garland to harass parents who object to left-wing education policies at school board meetings. Biden said he suspects the National School Boards Association was “working with Republicans all along.”

“Try putting two-and-two together sometime, why don’t’ you?!” an angry Biden told a dubious-looking Cabinet. “Either there’s a Republican mole burrowed deep into my administration, or the entire Democratic Party is filled with extremist culture warriors!”

At one point, Biden suspected the interloper might work for the Southern Poverty Law Center, since the SPLC’s “hate list” inspired the FBI’s Richmond office to investigate so-called “Radical-Traditionalist Catholic” Christians in late January. Former FBI Special Agent Kyle Seraphin posted the memo online days later, culminating in a House Judiciary Committee hearing that left FBI Director Christopher Wray obfuscating as Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) asked whether the administration attempted “to put informants in the parish, in the church.” The FBI finally handed over documents about the controversial probe to the committee last week.

“If I find out who put that into motion, I’m going to shove my rosary beads down their throat!” said Biden. “I was so angry that for a long time I couldn’t even articulate the situation. Then yesterday, for the first time, I could finally put it into my own words: I gave them a sword, and they stuck it in. And they twisted it with relish.”

Biden speculated the GOP operative may have also been “the guy who told me to have members of my administration personally thank abortionists. Or the adviser who told the media to ‘embrace’ gay orgies with ‘joy’ during the middle of a monkeypox outbreak! Or whoever talked me into appointing that weirdo luggage guy.”

Biden believes the GOP’s secret plan to invade the Democratic Party and deceive the president into pushing fraught political issues to the hilt began decades ago.

“Some of this started when I was vice president — isn’t that right, Mr. President?” Biden asked Barack Obama, whom staffers regularly invite to sit in on Cabinet meetings, especially when Biden is away. Obama sighed before nodding slowly from his position at the head of the table. The outgoing Obama-Biden administration threatened to withhold federal funds from schools and universities that did not let males use female showers, intimate facilities, or dorm rooms in a 2016 memo; as president, Biden repeated the move and appointed the author of the policy, Vanita Gupta, as head of his Justice Department’s Reproductive Rights Task Force.

“When Ron DeSantis pushed back against this, we had our campaign guy go out there and say the governor served up ‘unpopular,’ ‘divisive culture wars,’” Biden continued. “C’mon, man! Nobody’s gonna believe that when 55% of Americans believe transgenderism is immoral.”

“And the porno pictures in those children’s books we’re defending in my campaign ad? They look like something out of — out of …”

“Out of your son’s laptop,” whispered one of the secretary’s attendants, who was fired Monday afternoon.

“Anyhow, I’d like to question the guy who did this,” continued Biden. “I want to look him in the eye and ask, like a guy I served with in the Senate said one time, ‘Et tu, Brute?’”

Biden ordered his appointees to root out the covert Republican influence as thoroughly as they attempted to expel Christians and people who questioned the COVID vaccine from the military. “Use all the resources you’ve got! Use the FBI database, the IRS, INTERPOL. Call up reporters and have them put it out over the record player. Get Margaret Thatcher on the phone!” Biden yelled.

Gauging officials’ patience was wearing thin, Biden abruptly dismissed the officials by saying, “God save the Queen, man.”

Partway through the door, President Biden turned back long enough to promise his Cabinet secretaries that “together, we will get to the bottom of things” and stop Republicans from wedging abortion- and LGBT-related radicalism into his policies, personnel, and statements. “You have my word as a Biden.”

Cabinet members exited the conference room long enough to watch Biden, still shirtless and wearing swim trunks, shuffle out of the hallway before resuming their meeting with former President Obama, Michelle Obama, Susan Rice, and Valerie Jarrett. The former president authorized the investigations and an accompanying media leak, saying, “Any opportunity to associate the words ‘culture war’ with ‘Republican’ is a win for us.” Obama then deferred Kamala Harris’s 185th request to dedicate the next Cabinet meeting to a discussion of the 25th Amendment “for now.”

Executive branch administrators have already scheduled intensive interviews for later this week. Internal documents from the human resources departments of several federal agencies say, “Sweep of HR ordered by TBG” — or “The Big Guy,” as everyone in the administration calls him.

After the meeting, Biden encouraged Democrats to hold similar inquests in all 50 states, beginning in Ohio. In a phone call, he tipped off startled state Democratic activists that a measure they put on the ballot this November would allow abortion until birth and may give children a “constitutional right” to transgender surgeries without parental notification — “all positions favored by MAGA Republicans.”

Sources close to Biden say he aims to launch a series of inquiries into how the House Judiciary Committee got his administration to give Hunter Biden a sweetheart plea deal, how the House Weaponization of the Federal Government subcommittee convinced his campaign to have 51 former intelligence chiefs lie about the provenance of his son’s laptop before that body existed, and how the House Oversight and Accountability Committee caused the president to begin receiving kickbacks through relatives before some of its members were born.

Biden hopes a second term will give him time to launch a long-anticipated probe into which Republican staffers caused him to lie about his law school record and plagiarize Robert F. Kennedy’s speeches in 1988.

“I need to know who’s to blame for all this,” Biden said.